I imagine most people would consider that having a perfect life is a great long-term goal. Because, none of us want to be living through experiences that bring us down and cause us to suffer, right?
Wouldn’t life just be so much better if we could have all the money, free time, toys, skills, intelligence, etc. that we want…. whenever we want? And why not just be surrounded by wonderful families and friends to hang out with whenever we choose to as well?
Let’s not stop there, because, really, everything should always be working out for us in the best possible ways and in the perfect timing. After all, it’s our life, so why shouldn’t we be able to choose how it works out for us?
Unfortunately, our lives are not like this, and this is the main reason for our suffering! Our suffering is evidenced by the negative emotions we feel when the things we desire and expect are not matching the current reality we are living. That’s all…..
Why You Are Suffering
The level of importance we place on the gap between the lives we are living and the lives we desire for ourselves determines how much we will suffer. This means that it is our attachment to believing things should be a certain way and not having them as we want them that is the source of our suffering. Consequently, suffering is a result of the negative thoughts we are having about our unrealized desires.
What Are The Main Causes Of Your Suffering?
How many times have we heard or said: If only they didn’t do this or they did that instead, or if this didn’t happen or that did happen, or when I have more money, less debt, etc.…. then I wouldn’t feel as bad as I do! My problems would be solved and my life would be a lot easier and better if only (insert any reason here)…..
Well, I’ve got news for you: If you are relying on other people, or events outside of yourself, to make you feel better and end your suffering, you are never, ever, going to be happy or satisfied.
Why, because other people care more about themselves than they do about you…. And so they are more interested in sorting out their own problems than yours……
And…. mother nature doesn’t care if you want it to be sunny next Saturday when you take the family to the beach for a picnic……She will just do whatever it is that she does, whenever she wants to do it, without considering your well-being in the slightest!
“The root of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha
Does it make you feel any better to know that other people are also suffering and that you are not the only one who isn’t content with the way your life is working out?
Everyone who is emotionally attached to a particular outcome, who doesn’t get the results they want, is suffering to varying degrees. And all because things are not working out exactly as they want them to be.
It’s not necessarily because other people and mother nature have it in for you, it’s just that this is an integral part of being a human, living within societies, and being on a planet that has its own set of rules. And there is nothing we can do about these things……
These conditions (being human, part of a society, on a planet that has her own mind) are awesome in so many ways and give us much pleasure and many reasons to be happy. AND…… it also gives us plenty to complain about if we want. Things like…..
10 Reasons Why You Are Suffering:
1) You wish your life was different than it is. You don’t have enough money, too few good friends, no supportive family/co-workers, etc. So you feel you are hard done by or missing out on something that you see others enjoying.
2) You are resisting what comes your way. If it rains when you don’t want it to, or your friend is too busy to meet with you today, or you need to stay late at work to get a project finished……again, you are presented with situations that are not of your choosing and you resent the fact that reality is different to how you want it to be.
3) you may want things to remain the same and not change. You feel secure in the way things are because you are comfortable. But what if your partner of twenty-plus years suddenly finds a new group of friends to hang out with at work, and you are not invited to join in? You may feel a loss of security that you have become complacent with.
Change brings uncertainty and requires us to move beyond our comfort zones and adapt in unknown ways.
4) You may choose to play the victim when things don’t go your way. In this case, it’s your choice of thoughts that directly cause you to suffer even though you try to blame others or circumstances and events outside of yourself.
5) You put other people’s thoughts, ideas, and wishes before your own. Instead of doing what you want or consider right, you go along with others who influence you to do things against your better judgment. This causes an internal conflict within you, and causes you to feel ‘not so good’….. and you suffer as a result.
“The benefits of the accomplished journey cannot be weighed in terms of perfect moments but in terms of how this journey affects and changes our character.” – Ella Maillart, adventurer
6) You may choose to cling to an ‘identity self’ that you have formed. Maybe you believe you are not the type of person who is adventurous. So when your friends decide to try hand gliding, you refuse to go because you consider it dangerous. So they go without you and have a great time……. In this case, you will suffer because of your own self-imposed limitations.
7) You may not be living ‘authentically.’ If our words and actions are contrary to our deep-seated beliefs, you will suffer. Maybe you are gay but are too afraid of what others will think, so you pretend to be straight instead. The internal conflict will eat you up on the inside, causing you to suffer.
8) You suffer because you see yourself as separate from others and nature. Therefore, you view things as ‘happening to you’ instead of knowing that you are ‘connected to’ and part of the things that are happening around you and to you.
9) If your thoughts are focused on either past regrets or you are unsure of the future…. you will be suffering in the present moment. It seems a bit silly really to be suffering now for something that already happened that you can’t change, or for something that may or may not happen in the future. However, the reality is that this is exactly what many of us spend considerable time and thought energy doing, and suffering as a result!
10) You suffer when you view other people, yourself, or events and circumstances with a negative bias. In this instance, we could say it is your personality, (the way you view the world) that causes you to suffer…. not the other people or events, but your perception of them. Therefore, once again, you are the cause of your own suffering!
Suffering Is An Inside Job – A Very Personal Internal Experience!
If you analyze the ten points on why we feel we are suffering above, you will notice that there is a common theme. Our dissatisfaction or emotional suffering is not caused by actual pain, but is caused by the meaning we give to our ‘pain.’ In other words, it is a result of the thoughts we have concerning what is happening or not happening.
Of course, I’m not talking about things like sickness, disease, and terrible accidents. With these things, yes, we can and do experience real pain and suffering. But even here, we can help ourselves in the same ways as when we help ourselves with any of our other emotional pains like those listed above.
So, if we are far from achieving our goals and dreams, we will have lots of negative self-talk that makes us question our abilities and our lives. This will naturally lead to feelings of self-doubt, anxiety, depression, fear of failure, and fear of not being good enough….. all emotions that cause us suffering.
Maybe we thought that we deserved the promotion at work, but someone else got it. Or maybe we thought it would be a good idea to get a puppy to entertain the kids. However, it ends up chewing all the furniture, and then we have to take it for a walk every day even if we don’t want to. The reasons for our stress, anxiety and depression don’t matter. It’s all suffering, and it’s coming from our thoughts about what is happening.
“Expectation kills. Just go with the flow, you might be surprised when something better comes along in an unexpected way.” – Joyram Shaw
If we are anxious when thinking about our future it creates negative feelings/emotions NOW. This in turn creates more negative thoughts and more negative emotions. And this does not benefit us in any way at all. Instead, we just suffer… for what?…… something that hasn’t happened and may never happen???
The level of our suffering (created not because of things that are happening outside of us, but because of the thoughts that are predominantly traversing our minds) can be very different from others under the same external circumstances. This is because we all have different ‘mind programs’ and different expectations for our lives.
So, if another person can be relaxed and at peace with the same event that causes us to stress out and lose it, what does this say about us?
And this brings us to The Number One Best Way to Limit Or Eliminate Your Emotional Suffering:
It is you that has to change…. and the change you have to make is in the way you are thinking. And I have written several posts on how we can do this already including: Why are so many people suffering? and Do Our Thoughts Create Our Reality? (6 Sure Ways To THINK Your Life Better)
Remember stuff is always going to be happening. Stuff that we have no control over and no right to demand control over. Other people, nature, events, and circumstances outside of ourselves are doing their own stuff and they will continue to do so, whether we like it or not.
So get used to it, get over it, and get on with focusing your energy and incredible mind power where it will do the best…..
Sort your thoughts and emotions out, and do your best to make the most out of your lives….because, really, what other choice do you have……. Either enjoy more of the moments you are gifted with each day or continue to suffer!
I hope you have enjoyed reading this post, 10 reasons why you are suffering and would encourage you to check out my next post How Can I End My Suffering to learn more ways of dealing with, and getting over our suffering.
6 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why You Are Suffering: (And The Number 1 Best Solution)”
Excellent article and insight into why we suffer.
I read a book called Clarity many years ago and the author referred to ‘outside in thinking ‘ i.e. that we believe that our happiness is dependent on things outside of us. It’s the same as thinking when I have this, get that, have that relationship, end this, acquire that, etc that then I will be ok.
It’s a fallacy but few people really know it until perhaps they hit the wall (and think I have this or I had that and I still wasn’t happy or at least the sense of satisfaction is short-lived) and start to really look at the cause of suffering – the mind and then how we can go beyond.
Keep up the great work.
Yes, the reason why we are suffering and our way of escape from suffering are both to be found in our minds! This is the place where we ‘define’ our reality as either good, bad, or anything in between. And it is these definitions that give rise to our feelings….
If we are looking at our lives and consider that most of it is bad, of course, we will suffer. The solution to ending our suffering is often as easy as changing our minds.
And once we really get this, understand it will all our being, then we will always try and look for the positive in all situations, events, and people….. even if it is just so we can make our lives feel better.
I wish you well on your journey, a happy and fun life experience 🙂
We have to agree with you on this article and you hit the nail on the head when you say that it is us who put limitations on our own lives. This makes us rethink things about what in life can make us happy.
You help me think of the bigger picture all the time. We like your articles. You give spectacular advice. We look forward to reading your article and having related feeling about the posts.
We are motivated and happy and do not need anyone or anything to make us happy. We are an adventurous and crazy couple that enjoy each other.
Thanks for coming back to my website to check out more articles.
Yes, unfortunately, we are often our own worst enemies as it is we who submit to our own insecurities and fears…. and this limits the life experience we are able to have. It’s far better to have faith in our abilities and stretch ourselves beyond our previous limits so we can enjoy more of what life has to offer.
I’m happy to hear you are adventurous and that you are responsible for your own state of happiness.
I wish you both all the best,
Thank you for the support and love you provide for all the people who need help. Your articles are phenomenal, so this one is very helpful for those who suffer for no reason. For indeed, as you said, most suffering is caused by a misperception of reality or unrealistic expectations. Whenever I became attached to something or someone in life I suffered greatly.
Now I am learning to let go of things and look at life more rationally. There are some improvements, I notice that I suffer less but the road is long. You said well that a change in the way of thinking is needed. It is not an easy process and thank you for helping on that path of correcting and creating a better life.
Just keep going,
Many thanks for your kind words.
Yes, the road may be long, but what else do we have to do? This is our lives we are talking about……
And unfortunately, most of us have been programmed with beliefs that do not support our desires to live wonderful lives….so it becomes our responsibility to make appropriate changes that will enable us to achieve the outcomes we desire.
The trick to having a good life is realizing that it is a journey that we are on. And because it’s a journey, it does take time….. and if we put our time to good use, we will realize that we can enjoy every step along the way and not just the destination.
I wish you a happy journey, each and every day 🙂
With much respect,